Foolishtoolish and my first.

This is the account of my first online date. Ever.
I'm surprised that I kept at it, especially since the very first guy I went out with was this ridiculous individual. What a loser. What a tool. Hence the name, Foolishtoolish.

He emailed me and was like, "I'm getting off this (the online dating site). If you want to email me, my email is foolishtoolish@nothotmail.com."
I googled his name and saw that he actually had a webpage that was his independent "publishing company" (yeah, like that idiot could run any kind of healthily functioning anything). But. Me being ignorant at the time about Foolishtoolish, I thought that was pretty cool. And, he had excerpts of his writing up on the site. I read them. And while they were very poorly written, I thought he seemed like a fairly interesting dude, the picture of his face was pretty cute and he reminded me a little of one of my exes (I came to find out that he was in fact, nothing like my ex J, because I at least loved J for a little).

I emailed him. We agreed to meet at this bar near my work (my fav. place, what up T& J!). I arrived first. Was at the bar. Saw him enter and start to look around. Caught his eye, waved, he came over. Nice to meet you Foolishtoolish. We made chitchat, but the whole time he kept on standing on his toes and looking over the crowd, like he was searching for someone. And in a really blatant way...that seemed more like he was acting like he was looking for someone, rather than actually having anyone to look for. My first taste of the tool in fishtish (abbreviation). Whatever it was, it was f**king rude and I didn't appreciate it. Deep breath girl, deep breath. Don't give up on your first date! Who knows...this might be what some guys are like....you just have to hang in there and give him more of a chance. Get to know him. Let him get to know you. C'mon.....keep on keeping on...........

So, we continued to talk. I don't remember what we talked about. Obviously it wasn't anything terribly interesting. At this point, I was coming to realize my initial impression that he was interesting --- was wrong. But, because I am a pioneer in spirit, I kept on, keeping on. I would slay (or practice my charm on) this beast of a first-ever online date.....


We walked over to another bar he suggested because it had board games (or playing with him, they were bored games). I like playing games. Like, not head games, but y'know, game games.

So, we went. And en route, fishtish tried to kiss me. And I resisted. Because I didn't really want to kiss him. And he tried again. And again. And finally.......I felt bad. And let him kiss me. Ech. 'Nuff said.
I went on to beat him pitilessly in Connect Four. Many times. C'mon, it's a game made for friggin' three year olds. He became frustrated and angry he couldn't win. Ha ha! Suckerrrrrrr.

So finally the date was over. He asked what I was doing that weekend. I told him I was busy. He became enraged that I had plans. What?! Hold ON a sec, buddy. I don't even KNOW you! WHO are you? I don't f**king care. I have f**king plans. Deal with it.

The next day he showed up downstairs from my work and over the phone, demanded I come down and see him.
me: Uh, I'm at work
ft: you can take a break
me: Uh, no I can't.
ft: fine. what are you doing after work?
me: meeting my mom for dinner.
ft: cancel.
me: WHAT?! No! I'm not going to cancel on my mom!
ft: fine. will you at least meet me for 30 minutes after work. I'm downstairs...c'mon...just for a little!
me: No. I have to meet my mom.
ft: 10 minutes? 10 minutes! c'mon, it's only 10 minutes!
me: fine.

Sad.
Stupid.
Foolishtoolish.
What a loser. I met him, he tried to "convince" me to stay longer, I walked away. Shaking my head. What a dip-bag. How'd I get so lucky to land this dude? Ugh. Done and done.

That weekend he called me obsessively and I didn't pick up.
Finally I did and told him it wasn't going to work. He responded by insulting me and throwing a childish tantrum of name-calling.
Click. Dial tone..............

Wow. Foolishtoolish. I wonder if they will all be like this? I sincerely hope not..................

Epilogue:
I saw Foolishtoolish in the area around my office a couple times after that. He looked progressively worse. The first time, I spotted him and was able to duck around others passing in the crowd. Whew! close one!
The second time, I wasn't so lucky. We passed right by each other and he saw me. I was talking on the phone and noticed him too late! Aaaaahhh! And you know what he did? He HISSED at me!!!! like a f**king little rat when you step on its tail (at least, I imagine that is how it would sound). Wow. I had a field day with talking about that one.

To Foolishtoolish: May you grow up someday and lose the weirdo 'tude. It ain't workin fer ya.

backwards time-travel no. 1

Aloha. From sunny, warm, palm-tree-y New York. Um......yeah.
So anyways, some of the dating stories are admittedly cute. None of them really resulted in anything (obvi), but I thought I'd take a sweet sweet trip down memory lane.

I give you "Subway Stan."
(he was wearing a warrior uniform, I swear!)

It was around 1am in the morning on a Friday night in the Spring, about three years ago. I was riding the 1 train home after finishing my cocktail waitressing job at this trendystupidwasteoftime restaurant in the meat packing district (I did it to make extra cash...which I subsequently spent on booze and other unmentionables). I was in the typical black uniform, with lots of black eyeliner, shiny earrings and an "over it" attitude (guys f**king love that sh*t). Anyways, there was this cutey with black glasses sitting across from me. Being the stealth serpent that I am, I stole secret glances over at sexy reading a book. And I caught him looking at me too (BUSTED!!! hee hee hee). We played the glance-game for the ride up from fourteenth street to my stop about one hundred blocks up. Those covert looks were definitely a turn on. I wondered if he was hot sh*t in bed. I always wonder that kind of stuff about random people. Ah, a favorite past time..........ahem. Back to my story. I get up to get off the train. Is he still looking? Does he see me getting up? Say something! Say something! Arg. Step off the train, slightly deflated and still totally hot from the exchange of sly looks.......and..........I look up.........he got off too (the train, I mean >:-)!
me: hi (wow, I so rock, this so rocks, this is amazing....)
Ss: hi. how are you?
me: good. coming back from work. what about you?
ss: (laughs) coming back from kung-fu
me: (wow. like, totally wow). do you live around here?
ss: no, i'm up twenty blocks.
me: (smiling and trying to bat my lashes...something I can't get quite right) so, why did you get off the train?
ss: uh, well...I never do stuff like this, but.....you're gorgeous! And we were kind of looking at each other, and I just had to talk to you. I thought, what do I have to lose? Would you like to go out sometime?
me: (aaaaaaaaa! subway love I've found you!) * speechless* :)



Sigh.
We did go out a couple times.
Turns out he was some kind of math / physics smartypants who was into kung-fu. And pretty cool. But. I don't know if we had much in common. There wasn't that instant connection or anything like that. He went to work/live in D.C. a few weeks after we met.

And, that was the end of that. Though, I still think that's a pretty good story and I really dig the whole idea of "subway romance." One of my guy friends (SK) still brings up my story. He dug it too.

Epilogue
I actually ran into Subway Stan in Washington square park about a year later.
I remembered his name and said hi. I'm not sure if he remembered mine.
Then I saw him recently again on a street corner holding the hand of some blond chick.
I'm cuter.

Guest writer!

Hello.
I am your porthole to information on other people's dating experiences. I mostly surmise on my own slew of gory details, but occasionally I will bless my blog with contributions from my friends. So...if you have a worthy tale to spin, email it my way........

And here's the first installation: I will comment in red.

Gertha Bertha (real names have been switched to protect my very secret existence >:-), you got me thinking last February when you started the online dating. You made me realize that dating really is all a numbers game, there are people out there in this ginormous (yes, that's a real word, I swear) city who you would never normally meet in regular situations unless you met them online. Some of which you wish you never met in the first place....but that's the price of the gamble. In order to keep my sanity and not give in to disappointment I prefer to take a slightly analytical view of this activity called "dating," and spin it as an "educational experience." And above all, you entertained me with your stories and you know what, I could use some added entertainment in my life so why not? I am sure some of you are reading this and thinking why don't I just start going to comedy clubs for entertainment, but this just seemed like a lot more fun and possibly less torturous. And never forget about the free drinks!

The foray into online dating is something not done without careful consideration of your mental health first. As if dating people you actually meet first in this great city of New York isn't tough enough, now I am going to submit myself to meeting up for Amstels and Absolut Vanilla/Diet Cokes with complete strangers voluntarily? Really, this is what life has come to? Well, it has.

Instead of starting at online date number one, we are going to start with number two. And Gert Bert, I love that you have given each guy an appropriate nickname (as to keep their identities secret and as an added benefit, painting a better picture of said date) so in keeping with this school of thought, I now give you 'Date with Blonde Meathead'...


So Blonde Meathead and I had about two weeks of email exchanges; nothing enlightening, earth-shattering, or New York Times worthy (or even Perez Hilton worthy) but still enough to want to get on the phone with this guy and see what he was all about. We had one phone convo on a Sunday night for about an hour; which to me is a long time for someone you have spent zero time with so far and only have emails to go on. After an hour we got off the phone, had made plans for the following week, and I was looking forward to seeing Guy Who Lives an Hour Away in Upstate. This was my original nickname for him.

Fast-forward to the next Monday. I am getting ready in my traditional first date outfit of black v-neck shirt (have to show a little skin the first time) and dark jeans. What I hadn't told him yet was that I wasn't technically "drinking" because of marathon training which means he was going to have to work extra hard to keep my attention. As you said, Gert Bert, lots of red wine always equals a good time; or at least entertainment of sorts. I've been out with a couple who "don't drink." Let me tell YOU....much less fun. I like to slosh it down on the first date.....and plus, if he's borderline cute at least the alcohol makes your vision a little fuzzier...which totally works in his favor. Bwaa hahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!

I was pleasantly surprised when I first saw him at the bar; he was cute in a boyish way, blond hair and light eyes and looked better than his profile which is always a plus. Lets just say that was the only plus of the evening. It went on to be quite possibly the most boring and short (in duration, not height) date that I had ever been on. I slowly started to realize that this upstate guy who sold pharmaceuticals for a living, was proof that you don't need to be smart to sell, you just need to be fairly good looking. From my friend's description, it sounds like the only thing going through his unintelligent head was "Sorry I had to drive an hour down here to prove to you that I was boring". I made it home that night in time for the Bachelor at 10pm and that was all I really cared about midway through the date anyhow.

Whew. Well, at least he wasn't stalkerish, or morbid, or trollish.....or the amazing disappearing man. Read on.

last night with Yatg and Something Wrong?

So....I was planning to recap before I got up to the present, but since this is fresh in my mind, I thought I'd post it.

I met who we will call "You are totally gay" for dinner (it was actually quite yummy and the waiters were freakin' hot! I need to go back there with a girl friend and be served....).
It wasn't a date per se. At least, not according to me. Ew. Totally not.
Originally, we had met online (like most of the characters I will present in my saga). He seemed really sweet, funny, smart, interesting...and his photos were borderline to bad. Eh. That means as far as looks wise, mmmmmmnot so much. But! being the beneficent, warm-hearted, generous and utterly unshallow person that I am, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Oy.
Immediately (like, within .5 seconds) when I saw him face-to-face, I knew this borderline dude had definitely crossed the line to um, no thank you. And! Then he opened his mouth. Deary, deary, deary dear. Um, WhAT?! Like, this dude is totally gay! Originally I had a meaner name for him....but I'm worried that his powers of smartness will lead him right to this and discover me and get his non-hetero feelings hurt. :...( Aw.
So, we sit and drink and eat but the whole time I'm amused and perplexed because I'm thinking to myself....does he know he's gay? Wha........? Plus, he says "goodness." Who f++king says that?
Except for like, grandmothers baking cookies that just got burnt. Or little girls in 1940's movies that are just so annoying and rosy-cheeked...ugggghhhh!!!!!

I expect MY dates to like women and I prefer them to be masculine, rather than feminine. Is that okay? Is it? Okay? Ahem.
Don't get me wrong. I think gay people are magnificent and some of the most wonderful people in the world I know and whom I worship and love......are gay. So please.

Moving right along....I was right about my first impression of Yatg. He was super sweet and funny and by the end of the date he decided he loved me. L-O-V-E. Yup. Like, smitten kitten.
Poor boy.
I knew from the start it was a no go.
Sigh.
Let me speed it up here.....over the next couple of weeks, month, whatever, he sent me packages, we had lunch again and during that afternoon I couldn't get away from him fast enough. Even though he insisted on walking me home and the whole time I was walking in front of him, hoping to lose him around a street corner or something. I didn't. Tub-tub can move! I guess my walking speed was fueled from the thought of that face coming towards mine hoping for a kiss. Blech! I'm sorry. I feel bad writing that, but it's totally true. Like, total BRAHHHHHH! (That's me puking).
So.
I finally called him back one day a couple weeks ago and was like....I don't see it. I want to be friends. ONly. ONLY!!!!! And he was gracious and sweet, as only Yatg can be.
So.
We went out to dinner last night. And it was nice. But I feel like he is a rather unfortunate character. Not attractive. Too sweaty. Lose some weight. Stop giving me sad puppy eyes because I don't care.
Me: Thanks for (paying for) dinner! This was so great....no, I'm not really in the mood to get a drink. I'm going to go home. Yeah. What?! You got me chocolate?! You shouldn't have! No, like, really, I don't want it! (don't make me feel bad for not liking you, and you will definitely NOT win me over) Well, okay, okay.
(come over and eat my chocolate people)

Then.
I get a phone call from this college professor I went out with a while ago (We had a good time that night...drank lots of red wine. So, if you drink lots of red wine, isn't it always a good time?). We had been kind of emailing, semi-texing the past couple weeks, blah blah bleh. He was kind of cute and smart but also really kind of weird.
Like, the first time we went out either he seemed really nervous or just thought I was scary or something, because he seemed to have a problem with eye contact and fidgeting with his hands...kind of a weirdo. So, lets call him Something Wrong? Because it seems like something might be wrong with him. Does he have a problem with eye contact? Asbergers? Perhaps. Perhaps.

But, as far as dates go, it had been okay. See "red wine" and we actually had a lot to talk about. See, it's because I'm so smart so I can only talk to smart people, like college professors and geniuses. ;p

Um....so he wanted to take me out to dinner that night, last minute, before he left for California and I to my good-will volunteer mission to Haiti (truth). I had obviously already eaten with Yatg, but I thought it was funny to double up for the evening. So. Even though I wasn't really into it (or him), I decided to entertain myself and join him for a drink.

It was okay. I don't know if I'll see him again. There is something about his twitchy-weirdness that is kind of a turnoff. Also, in these two dates we haven't kissed (I'm a BIG fan of the kissing on the first date...that way, you know if he's a good kisser and if you want to kiss him more. Dealbreaker!). And honestly, I don't think I want to kiss him. Kiss of death! For this dude at least.

I fell asleep grateful to be away from those freaks. And, wondering what my date was up to from Monday night. He seemed very interesting and was totally good with the lips. Like yeah. Like, oh yeah. Like, I wonder what else he's good at.......
But. I need to rehash past stories before I get to that one. And who knows, maybe he will even be quality.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Virginal and lilly-white post....

This first and virginal post I dedication to my girls...JD and MC. (Hopefully) You know who you are. MC for giggling maniacally with me in the cold, listening to my dating activities and encouraging the birth of this silly blog thing. JD because you have been my co-dater over the past year and a half we have known eachother. Also, thanks for pointing me in the right direction to start this.

I plan to use this to track my dating experiences. I plan to bring you amazing nick names for the characters in my stories and to sometimes post rhymes. For those of you familiar with my rhymes, they will be tasty treats.

First, it's necessary to backtrack in order to set this up proper. Afterall, aren't you interested in knowing about all that I've gone through and done? The whooooorish ways and the panty raids?

Well, I started online dating last February. The idea was to meet some quality chaps.....because I DEFINITELY was not meeting them out at bars. After I've had some time to reflect on this point some more, I wonder if it's because I always manage to drink a lot and find myself much drunker than ideal. Hmmmmmm.
Actually, I did meet one nice fellow a couple years ago at a bar in Brooklyn (I heart Brooklyn from the small confines of my Manhattan apartment). He was cute, I caught his eye, he smiled back, I went over to talk to him. We ended up dating for a few months. That dude definitely had his pluses..... Lets call him "Third Leg." Uh-huh. He used to use that thing on me...oh my. ONly, I think he drank too much and ate too little....so by the end of my 3 months of knowing him, I noticed he was turning a tad yellow (I'm convinced he suffered from malnutrition and not Hep. C., I'm clean at least) Eeek! Time to get out. I knew his heart wasn't in it anyway.

See, I like to joke around and all, but the truth of the matter is that I'm actively pursuing a boyfriend. A quality one. Someone who loves me for all the weirdness. Someone who can understand why I think poop jokes are funny and why the Ipecac scene in Family Guy makes me laugh.....cartoon puke is high-class humor. Anyway, I ramble on.
At the very least, I need someone who is funny and good in the sack.....which is no small feat, I've come to realize.

See, I've been out with all kinds. Some were better than others. I even really liked a few...but alas...my timing is shit. Or so, I've been led to believe.

So, this is the first installment. A bitty introduction, if you will.
I hope you enjoy reading. I hope to enjoy writing. And, feel free to comment and stuff. Tell your friends.

This is the first blog I've ever touched, so I'm not really blog-savvy. Any suggestions, etc. Would be appreciated. And be nice.....even though I'm not always.