Uh.......no.

This is an email I sent one of my friends from about a year ago. The dude I refer to first didn't have any game. I felt bad for him.

"This is the second message I got from a dude on nerve. I never answered his first email that started with...."you can copyright me." EEEEeeeeew.

hello.....I'm new, young in spirit, fit, funny, passionate, secure, stable, live in Hell's Kitchen, and alot of energy.....vincent please consider a cocktail and conversation...."

Hyuck! Hyuck!

Aw. Um, DELETE!

And then I go on to fill friend in on a good date...

By the way, the date last night went really well (I'm 1 for 3). Ended up going to an opening at the moma, which I had last-minute tickets for. Science-hair-guy was funny, nice, interesting, etc. After the moma we went to the Russian Vodka Room for some sturgeon, ginger vodka and talked a bunch. A cute little kiss before I got on the subway. yes, I'd definitely see him again."

A cute little kiss. Emphasis on the little. Because the next time he decided to plant a big one on me....though he really shouldn't ever do that - considering his kisses were sloppy and his head kind of vibrated like he was straining himself too much.. and it was not at all sexy. Sigh. There's always something.....

A Rose by any other name....

Hello!

I present to you another guest writer, who has been kind enough to share his experience. Dating a stripper. Classy. You rock, SK.

my comments in red.


Our tale begins after a work-event when three professional friends and I decide to go to a "Go-Go" Club; and by Go-Go Club, I mean a strip club. However- in New Jersey if a strip club serves alcohol, then the dancers must keep their clothing on (why? does any body know?). Therefore, at these clubs the dancers wear sheer see-through clothing with thongs, and some sort of a lacy-type brassiere. Anyway, my friends and I go to this club, I end up talking to one of the dancers, Russian Rose, and she gives me her number. (were you sooo psyched? I bet you were - strippers are kinda hot in that dirty, nasty, whoreish kind of way :)



I'd never been to Union Square Cafe, and really wanted to try it out. I figured what better time than with the Rose. So, I call her up and we agree that I'll pick her up after work and then we'll go to USC. I get a car for the evening, because much like the Date Experiencer, I too enjoy partaking in social lubricant on dates. (awwww, you are such a gentleman! I've never had a date pick me up in a car. Good move S) The driver picks me up and we head to Brooklyn, where the Rose lives (ugh- strike one, for the Rose) (damn - bk no love). I get to her place and call her. She makes me wait for fifteen minutes inside her lobby (strike two- I mean really, how much smalltalk can I make with the doorman or the driver while waiting for you?!)

Finally she comes down and gets in the car, whereupon she asks, "So does this place serve food...?" (WOW. Ummm- we have a DINNER DATE. Of COURSE it serves food. Strike three.)
Me: Of Course (HAAA! seems like you've got yourself a SMART one, Mr. - she's like, a f-cking genius)
Rose: Well, the name of it is 'Cafe' so I didn't know if it was just coffee or something.
(Ummm- Zagat just rated it the most popular restaurant in NYC...?)

The rest of the ride was uneventful and we arrive at the restaurant, whereupon the host seats us and places 2 menus and 1 wine list on the table. I look at the wine list and say. "Were you thinking about a wine? Would you prefer a white or a red?" (good manners S, your mama taught you well)
Rose: How about a pink? (AAAAAAaaaaaaaa!)
(Long pause while I consider what in the HELL a pink wine could possibly be?!?! Then it occurs to me. She wants a Rose... UGH?! I NOW HAVE TO ORDER A BOTTLE OF ROSE WITH MY MEAL?! STRIKE FOUR!)
Me (to waiter, extremely depressed hee hee hee....): Uhh... we'd like a bottle of the...uhh...Rose please.

The rest of the meal went off without a hitch, and I chalked up most of the Rose's idiosyncrasies to the Rose having grown up in Russia/Belarus. (Ah, being generous. I'm sure her bizooms made up for any of the previous faux pas) She came back to my place for a few minutes, we had a drink and then she went on her way.

We made plans to meet up again the next week. I text message the Rose telling her I'm very tired, but I'd be happy to see her again and if she'd like to come over and order some food and watch me put together my couch (it had just arrived from Target) that I'd be happy to pick her up and take her home. To which, she responds, "It's not very polite to invite a girl to your apartment for a second date." (Strike five! LISTEN HERE STRIPPER- YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON THAT I WOULD EVER TAKE ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM! YOU MADE ME DRINK A "PINK WINE" DURING DINNER, AFTER ASKING WHETHER DANNY MEYER'S UNION SQUARE CAFE SERVED FOOD) ( BOOO-YAAAA!!!!). Needless to say, I don't talk to the Russian Rose anymore, and the dream of dating a Russian stripper has died, at least for the time being.

I heart you. Thank you for contributing this bit. I look forward to sharing more.

Until next time

Oh dear, Big Boy.

I last left you with the unappetizing tid bit about Big Boy Bob. Dude really likes me though. I normally have more of a heart about these things and wouldn't showcase this example for the world to see..............but................
I couldn't resist.
Cackle, cackle, cackle..........

Comments in read, per usual.

Him
---Original Message---
Does this mean that you're never going to go to AC with me?

I would hate to think that the last time I get see you would be the time in your apartment - with the rest of the night at our disposal - when I had to cut the evening short due to some gastrointestinal distress.

I would like to see you again.



Me
---Original Message---
Hi Bob,

Does what mean I'm not going to AC with you?

The last time I understand was not in your control...don't sweat it. That kind of thing is not a "deciding factor" for me. However, the fact that I'm not attracted to you IS a deciding factor

I am starting classes tomorrow for the Spring semester. If last semester was any indicator, I'm going to have a dearth of free time. I did have a good time with you, but I think we have different sensibilities and I'm not sure things would work out. It was certainly nice to meet you. I hope we both find what we are looking for. So, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. I'm letting you down easy, buck-o.

take care,
Me.


His reply:
---Original Message---
.The fact that you stopped returning my calls and e-mails (in reference to not going to AC with me).Aw. That's sad. That's really sad.

I understand that you will have less time for socializing. I don't understand what changed abruptly (at least abruptly from my perspective). One day we were getting cozy in your apartment and then you didn't return my calls. It was weird to me. Yes, my heart can be fickle. Especially when the image of your face coming towards mine provokes the little gag reflex in the back of my throat.

I liked that we were different because you knew about things that I didn't - it was a cool feeling. I know a lot of things you don't. I'm very smart.

You're a lovely and smart woman (although you talk funny) - have dinner with me again. Something simple where can talk, laugh and drink like the first night we met. You seem free tonight and I'm not in court in the morning. Say "yes". Ah, thank you for the kind words. But unfortunately for you, complements just aren't gonna work this time.


My response....
-Original Message---
I apologize if things seem weird....sometimes that's just how it goes I guess. If I recall though...I did just return your email and only didn't call you back once - to be clear. I'm not a flake.

I have the first day of classes tomorrow and need to get to up there early...at 8:30, so I must decline.

It has been nice having dinners with you....I just have to be honest with what I'm feeling - I'm not sure we are the best mix. Bye! Again! Au revoir! Tootaloo! Ciao! Seeeee yaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Suckah.


See these angelic-faced children? They are playing your song. It goes like this: Na na naaa naaaaa, Na na naaaa, naaaa, hey HEY heeey, Goodbyyyyeeeee...........(repeat)


Oy. His response. This guy doesn't give up. Ya kinda gotta give him credit....for being a stubborn moron
-Original Message---
You didn't get a good enough sample as any chance of us continuing in a physical vein was thwarted by my intestinal discomfort (surely brought on by the food and drink at stupidly trendy and sceney restaurant I decided to bring you too. Which, by the way, I admit was a horrible choice and greatly regret my poor decision, as it was, alas, the last time I got to feast my eyes on your beautiful face, your lovely eyes, your......ahem. Sorry, carried away.

I think we should expand the sample period by one more night. Or let's call the last night a do-over. Then make a decision.

:)


Me. Again.
---Original Message---
Hmmmm. You make a lawyerly point.
At this point I don't know how to put it differently in a nice way...........I don't want to see you. I pity your ignorance to the situation. Please don't make me put it to you straight. Do you really want to CONVINCE me to go out with you again? Really? REALLY? Have some pride man.............


Him. Again. This one's a doozy....
---Original Message---
Good thing I'm a lawyer....

I just want to let you know that I called you right after our last date as I wanted to take you out with me that weekend when I was having dinner with some of my oldest friends.

Just so you know.

Aw, sh-t. That is just .........so.......unfortunate. Sigh.

And that - is just a little sample of my dating world. Sometimes fun. That's just how I do.

Tid-bits and strange ones.

This is the post where I share little pieces of random first dates. Poor dates, they don't even command their own posts. Well, read on.....................


Depressed Guy.
I met dude at a bar. Usually I go into a date with the highest hopes, but sometimes I go knowing I'm probably not going to like them, but there is always that 1% chance.....
So, this was part of that 1%.
He told me he much preferred New York to LA (we have that much in common) because New York is a better place to be depressed.
Um.
I really didn't have any response to that.
I mean, I'm not always the most cheery person or anything, but I prefer not to advertise my "dark side" on a first date. Not so for this joe.
We bit farewell and he said he hoped to hear from me.
Sorry dude, think you might have to enjoy being depressed in New York all by yourself.....

Eastern European Guy.
He was a persistent bugger.
Online guy....emailed me. Didn't email him back. Emailed me again months later when I was feeling a tad more generous. Met him for a drink at a cafe in the East village. He was a lot pastier and pudgier and older looking in person.
We had a conversation about how he came to New York while he sipped a soda and I (of course), the date wine. Wine-oooooooooo.
ahem.
His story about how he arrived in the big, cold city was impressive. He put himself through college and has been moderately successful in his career. My hat off to him. That is all I would ever take off for him.
NEXT!




Laugh Out Loud Guy.
Customary drink. He reminded me of a robot. Only, robots don't have abbrasive luck "YUK YUK, BA HA HA HAAAAAAA" laughs.
Oy.
He asked me what I did for fun....
This was in the throes of finals, first semester in my Masters Program, so I told him I wasn't really having a lot of fun these days, but mostly concentrating on getting my work done. What did he expect? Me to describe a sexy romp through my apartment wearing only my lacy little.......In response, Laugh Out Loud Guy told me I needed more balance in my life...work hard, play hard. That was his motto (gasp! how original). "Yuk Yuk Yuk!!!!" Then continued with telling me that if I didn't get out and enjoy life, I'd be boring and old before I knew it! "Yuka Yuka Yuk Yuk!!!"
Uh.
Okay.
Downed glass of wine and got the f**k outta there.

Weirdo WHAT???

This is a guy who emailed me online and then we continued to write on and off in our regular emails. After a bit he wasn't making any move to meet up, so I stopped writing him back. I mean, c'mon. Don't waste my time dude.
Enough of the unavailables, the guys trying to get over their ex-girlfriends, trying to figure out if they are straight or like the dick as much as I..........

So, after not corresponding for a couple months, dude emails me again. I decide to give him a second chance because he seemed ....interesting. Below are the last emails we exchanged. Guys confuse me.......my comments in red.


Hi ___(my name here)__,

Sorry for the delinquency.... things kinda nutso..what id give for a one-month break. i really need to get out of the country for a real vacay.....(You are really a woman and hence use these "feminized" abbreviations as a substitute for the actual word)

my nyrs....I went to Miami for this annual party. well, as I mentioned awhile back, I was doing long-distance thang (how very casual seeming you are trying to be) for a year since moving to NYC -- and that relationship ended around October.....So, I was so not looking for anything and very much enjoying being single and in the City. girls here are the most aggressive ive ever seen...it is NUTS. (Really? Wow, lucky guy. Odds are if we met you'd find out I'm the least aggressive girl....because I wouldn't want you to get the idea I actually was attracted to you)

So, what happens to me? I met a girl over thanksgiving in Miami (through friends and at a party) who lives IN new york....so yah, I was doing the single thing but things evolved w/ this girl and we wound up spending new year's in Miami and it has only gotten more serious from there. (Huh?) Boy, I did NOT see that coming especially since I was living it up and that serious relationship w/ my gf in Miami was actually the first serious one I had in a decade. ok, you probably think I am bananas or something...anyhow, kinda batty and all that....on the one hand, I was doubting whether I gave myself enough time to explore the city and all these amazing girls here (including what seems like yourself), but on the other hand, things with this girl seemed right...oddly, she got out of a very serious relationship back in July, she is around my age (a first for me....my ex-gf in Miami was a decade younger than me - not that it matters) and we have the same group of friends (though we oddly never met...mainly b/c she has been in NYC and before that chitown).....phew. anyhow, as you can see, it has been a whirlwhind few months on the Weirdo WHAT front. (Uh, why are you telling me ALL THIS? Why not let it go, like when I stopped writing you back? Why do you feel a need to share this with me? We are not friends. I don't know you. I don't care about what you do unless it's meant to benefit MOI. Like, c'mon!)

i literally dont correspond w/ one person from online....not even kidding. but you seem pretty cool. i do hope we can still talk and maybe meet up....im extremely honest to a fault...(To a fault, yes. And weird. Why do you think I want to know about this other girl you're now dating? In case you were wondering.....I don't).

Weirdo What

This is my response:


Thanks for being so open - appreciated.

That said, I don't understand why you want to keep up contact with me if you are currently dating someone who you really like. Obviously, we've never met and are not already friends.......
I'll put it this way - I'm interested in meeting and getting to know guys who are available. And from what you've shared, you are not.

So, it was nice to (almost) meet you.
take care,
Me.

---------

Wow. I impress myself with my restraint and elegance when dealing with actual people.

Well, this is just another example of the pieces of fake sh-t I come up with, searching in the pot for pieces of gold........

Make a fast exit...please, Big Boy Bob.

For her little dinner tonight my friend made challah. Ah, how I love tunneling my hand through the middle to extract all the yummy inside. I'm going to tear myself a healthy hunk. The closest I will come to having something being "healthy," and a "hunk," as you will see from my little recap from last night........

Date number three with dude...who I will describe as "big," and "eh." Thus, I present you with Big Boy Bob. When we first went out I was looking forward to it...he kept me laughing on the phone at his funny, sometimes outrageous, marginally gross jokes. Problem is, while I do prefer tall guys who are bigger than me, Big Bob's a little too.....well.......big.
Still, he's funny, has taken me out to nice dinners and well, a girl has gotta eat, right? So, back to round three -

We had to wait in the packed bar area of this large, sceney, ultimately cheesey restaurant (not really my kind of place. Beware of the prepped out young banker boys and the older, lecherous banker dudes and their drunk boob-hanging-out dates). Big Bob started declaring how the wait was pissing him off, the crowded people were pissing him off, etc.
Uh, step away from the large rageful guy......run! run!
aw. lost my chance....
It was about that time I decided that I probably wouldn't see him again. In addition to the too big thing, and the rage thing, it was also the- seems a bit too self-centered thing, and the- doesn't seem to care too much about what I say thing. His jokes had stopped being funny in their outrageous ways and had started to become more not-that-funny in obnoxious kinds of ways.

Done and done. However, then at dinner he asked me what was on my mind....well. I didn't tell him exactly what was on my mind, but I did share that I was thinking about returning to school, thinking about my trip and the perspective it gave me....then the conversation took off from there. After drinking three full glasses of sake, I decided he wasn't so bad after all (ah, let the alcohol flow like an unfettered stream).
After dinner (the food was actually pretty good), we ended up at my place where immediately he started looking really uncomfortable and said his stomach hurts. I could hear it making noise from about 5 feet away. Uh-oh! Um......can I get you anything? Can I walk you OUT (as in, get the hell out of my apartment)?! So, after looking pained for about 5 minutes and retreating to the bathroom to "splash some cold water on his face," he bid me adieu. Said he "hoped he would see me again." I asked, what's that supposed to mean? And he admitted that the night was ending strangely. Uh, yah! I've never had someone come down with acute indigestion like that on a date....maybe it was the sushi?

Eh, I don't really care.

Update:
He just called to apologize for the date ending weirdly and then accused me of acting "weird" when he said he "hoped to see me again." I laughed it off, but I really felt like responding....well, I'm sorry if you thought I was acting weird, but you were totally grossing me out, so I wanted you out of my apartment as soon as possible. Hmmmm. Harsh?